On pebbles and priorities

It’s back to school tomorrow and a time of change and anxiety for me as a mother. My little one is going off to secondary school and I see all of the challenges of his teenage years stretching out ahead of us (and the forty-five minute road to school stretching out ahead of him!) Meanwhile, my fourteen year old, having already had a tricky time of the teen years, is currently without a school thanks to an inadequate education system which is, no doubt, struggling under the strain of years of unprecendented times. The truth is, I think we’re all struggling a little after years of keeping going, and with the cost of living crisis and Covid still rumbling on, this autumn doesn’t look set to be any easier.

And yet... I still greet September with excited anticipation. I’m just not a summer person and, however hard I try, I don’t much enjoy being on holiday. I get my kicks from being creative, and the meaning in my life comes from my work helping and supporting other writers. As a lone parent, separated from my routine, with friends often out of the country, summer can be lonely for me. Six weeks of lone parenting during the summer has been hard work and, despite the particular challenges of this autumn, I always relish its arrival. I love the cooler days, the darker nights, the colour and crunch of autumn leaves. Autumn is new shoes, pristine notebooks and fresh promise. In fact, this week, though I’ve failed to buy new shoes for the kids, I have treated myself to some funky new red boots and I’ve cracked open my fanciest notebook.

And now my thoughts turn to setting my own goals and priorities for the autumn term. I look to the standard coaching tool, the Wheel of Life, for guidance. I like this tool. It’s colourful and I like colourful things. It’s a good reminder of the need for balance. But as I look it, wondering how I can simultaneously keep myself fit, healthy and mentally well, whilst doing more work in order to earn more money to keep my family afloat, whilst also homeschooling my fourteen year old, I’m overwhelmed. I need more fun in my life, I think. I should start some new hobbies, go out more, see more friends. But how do I fit that in? And don’t even get me started on the lack of a love life. Online dating is a part-time job and, in recent years, I’ve spent more time recovering from heartache than enjoying the benefits of the brief romances I’ve experienced. I want someone to walk alongside me, not to stick me on a pedestal and then drop me which is the cycle I seem to be trapped in romantically.

I abandon the Wheel of Life and remember the story of the pebbles in the jar. It pleases me. I like pebbles too. They’re smooth and round and remind me of the sea. I love the sea (but not that warm summer holiday kind of sea!) Fill the jar with sand and grit (the drudgery and minutiae of life), the story goes, and there isn’t any room to squeeze in the pebbles (the things that really matter). But if we put the important things (the pebbles) in first, there’s always room for the small things. It’s a good way to look at things and I decide I will talk about this in Monday Morning Motivation tomorrow morning. I search for an image of a jar of pebbles but I can’t find one. Instead, I find a picture of rocks precariously balanced and this, I think, is actually an accurate reflection of my life. I spend a creative five minutes adding words to them to reflect my priorities and think about which order they go in.

At the bottom, I place self-care. If I crumble, the whole thing crumbles. Family comes next. I’m the main support for my kids. They must always come first - but not before my own self-care. And then, without question, it’s writing. Writing isn’t my main way of making a living but it is my lifeblood. And what kind of a writing coach can I be if I don’t write myself? Writing underpins my career as a facilitator and a coach and this brings in my income. For the first time this year I sandwich ‘submitting’ in between writing and work having realised this summer that this small thing has been missing from my life and that it can make a big difference. For twenty years I have failed to make time for submitting my writing and I have watched friends’ careers overtake mine. This summer, I submitted four things, all of which were accepted and I even won a competition. Submitting my work raises my profile which has the potential to raise my income and also my self-esteem. It’s a good investment of my time and energy.

And fun? Fun looks small and precariously balanced on top of my tower. It could easily be dislodged. But I don’t have to worry too much. Because my self-care is dancing, swimming outside, playing my ukuele, walking in the park with friends. My self-care is fun. And family is laughing over the dinner table, in-jokes and playing with the cats. My family is fun. Writing is playtime and my workshops are playtime. And my work is the best fun of all. Fun isn’t really balanced on top at all. Fun is woven through my day. As for submission. Submission is not fun. But getting published gives me a buzz and that buzz is fun.

‘What’s the point you’re making?’ I ask myself and I’m not sure. Maybe I just needed a moment of reflection in writing. The point certainly isn’t that I’m going to spend all day dancing and writing rather than working - I need to earn a living - it’s just that if I don’t put these things in first, they can easily get neglected and these things are my foundations, the things that underpin everything. Maybe the message is simply this: that we should think carefully about where we put our attention this autumn and take care of our foundations. Times are going to continue to be hard but we must try to make time for the things that nourish our souls because without those, our jars might be overflowing but our cups will be empty. I’m going to end on a mixed metaphor and check that the boy’s schoolbag is packed and that he’s ready for bed. He was supposed to be getting ready hours ago but was seized by the need to make badges from bottle tops. Which brings him joy so I let him carry on. He’ll be tired getting up for that forty-five minute walk but he’ll feel proud in his leather jacket with his home-made badges. Sometimes, we need to prioritise that which brings us joy.

Here’s hoping your back to school goes well whatever it looks like and if you want to be part of my writing gang, you’re always welcome to share the fun.