Write about Grief and Loss - a writing series with BBC Radio Sheffield

I began writing about grief eight years ago when my partner, Blacksmith Paul, died very suddenly in traumatic circumstances. I say ‘partner’ as shorthand, but we’d only been seeing each for some vague period of six-eight months and the definition of our relationship was similarly vague. What matters is that we loved each other deeply and that losing him was devastating.

I didn’t really have to make a conscious decision to write about it. I wrote about it because writing is what I do and it was a survival instinct for me to record how I was feeling. It was also important for me to record the precious time that we’d spent together. Other people might have collated a photo album but I had nothing but my memories and I was determined to preserve them. I also wanted, at some level, a witness to my love. Our relationship was relatively private and unconventional and I needed someone (everyone) to understand what it meant to me.

I wrote intially in a private Facebook group, prompted by Megan Devine’s Writing Your Grief programme but gradually I began sharing publicly. I wrote and wrote until I had nothing left to say. I wrote on a blog and then for The Huffington Post and finally collated my writing in the memoir. Dear Blacksmith. I’d like to say that, through writing, I made sense of something or resolved something or that it helped me to move on but I’m not sure it’s as simple as that. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma since and I’m coming to the conclusion that some things change us irrevocably. I have been rebuilt by my experiences but also damaged by them, and grief and trauma are threaded through my being now. But writing helped and continued to help. I wouldn’t do it and encourage others to join me, if I didn’t wholeheartedly believe that writing is ultimately healing.

Writing has been scientifically proven to help people to recover from trauma. Write about something for several consecutive days and you allegedly process the experience. In tests, people who write about trauma have even been shown to have stronger immune systems and to be happier! I’m not sure this is true for me as I continue to struggle with both my physical and mental health, but writing about loss definitely helped me to survive something that I thought might kill me. Writing offers a container for emotions that threaten to drown us with their force. Death and loss are completely out of our control and writing gives us an illusion of agency. We can’t affect what happens to us but by putting word after word in poetry or prose, we give it a stucture.

Throughout history, writing has been used to immortalise and memorialise loved ones. It’s why we spend time writing eulogies and funeral poems. It helps us to express our love and it also helps us to come to terms with the devastation of loss.

Write about Grief and Loss series

Over the next few days, I’ll be sharing some writing prompts on the Paulette Edward’s show on BBC Radio Sheffield. For a while now, Paulette and I have been talking about collaborating on some work around grief and this is our initial experiment. Each day, I’ll share an idea for writing on the show. All you need to do is pick up a pen or pencil and some paper or a journal and write whatever comes to mind in response to the prompt. Don’t think too hard or censor yourself. Just keep your pen on the paper and keep writing. Your subconscious knows what needs to be expressed. You might find yourself feeling sad or crying while you write. Let the tears come. Tears, like writing, are healing and good for our health. If something is too hard to write about, try approaching it from a different angle or leaving it for now. Or write about why you can’t write. Something will emerge.

Taking care of yourself

Writing is ultimately healing, but it can also be triggering and make you confront things that you might have been avoiding. You might find yourself feeling tired or fragile after writing. Increase your self-care if you do. You might need to take a rest or have a nap, to listen to comforting music, to go for a walk in nature or to talk to a friend. If you’re struggling to cope with your feelings, you might want to find a bereavement counsellor to support you. You could contact Cruse or look at the Good Grief Trust for resources. There may also be other events and sources of support via the Life, Loss and Death Festival that is taking place in Sheffield.

Sharing your writing

Sometimes we write just for ourselves but it can be helpful to have a witness to our writing. Share your writing with a trusted friend or family member, on a blog or social media (if you feel comfortable and safe in your social media community) or with a bereavement counsellor. And, if you’d like to hear your words on the radio, you could email paulette.edwards@bbc.co.uk